Chapter 46

Walking with Kadie through the overly-bright hallways of the hospital, Jay experienced a sudden shock at his own unaccustomed iron control. It wasn’t like he was an overly emotional person anyway, never one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but the way he’d been able to clamp down on his rage, to lock it away deep inside surprised him. It was still there, of course it was. Rage, hatred, disgust mixed with confusion, creating a maelstrom of emotions, yet they had all been suppressed in moments, controlled and hidden, because right now he needed to be calm. Outwardly at least, he needed to be calm. It was almost frightening, yet the only manifestation of the tumult of feelings was the swelling ache in his head as he walked in silence.

At least, he thought that was the only sign, until Kadie stopped suddenly, turning to face him, cupping her free hand around his cheek. Her eyes searched his face for a moment, then she moved closer, wrapping her arms around him.

“Breathe, Jay.” She murmured, neither knowing nor caring if anyone else was around as she strove to soothe him. “C’mon, baby. Calm down.”

“I’m okay.” He lied automatically. And pointlessly.

“Sure you are. That’s why your hand was damned near vibrating, Jay.” Kadie replied, rubbing her palms on his back. “You need to hold it together with your mom, babe, but not with me. If you try too much, you’ll end up exploding, when you least want to, and, well……these walls are kinda harder than downstairs…….”

Jay made no response, and Kadie drew back to look at him, seeing the internal battle clearly on his face, his eyes flashing with suppressed anger as he tried to hold it all in. She’d seen enough relatives of patients try the same damned thing to know that it was never a good thing, and with all the other attendant shit Jay had to deal with, the last thing he needed was to lose his temper at the wrong time. Or at the wrong person.

“Just for a minute.” Kadie murmured. “Let it go, Jay. Trust me, you need to. Just a minute is all.”

With a gusty sigh, he wrapped his arms tightly around her, pulling her into him, burying his face against her neck as he cursed bitterly, fighting to keep his voice pitched low. Kadie backed up to the wall, holding him as tightly as she could as he poured out some of the rage, not even giving a murmur of protest as his grip tightened enough to hurt, compressing her ribs painfully.

“I swear to Christ, I’m going to see him pay for this.” He finally groaned, raising his head.

Kadie got only the briefest glimpse of his face, streaked with the marks of angry tears, before Jay crushed his mouth onto hers, drawing strength from her, using passion to drive away the pain, desperately searching for that special connection to hold him from the insanity of rage.

She understood, kissing him back just as fervently, knowing he needed to know she felt it, too, needed to know she was there with him. And, she realised suddenly, she was. Heart and soul, with every fiber of her being, she was with him. Forever.

When they eased themselves apart, Jay was calmer. Sure, of course, rage still filled him, with all the other stuff mixed into it, but he felt…….centered, somehow. Felt like he could do this now. Now that he knew his Desi………he looked at her, opened his mouth, but her fingers silenced him.

“I love you, too.” She murmured before he could say it, and Jay grinned - the first real smile since that horrifying phone call from Jon.

“Let’s go see mom.” He said softly, kissing the fingertips that still rested on his lips, wanting to lose himself in her arms again, but knowing some other things had to be faced first.


Billie’s head snapped up as the door opened, and she felt those damned tears leak free again when Jay walked in, followed closely by Kadie. She bit down on the flood of explanations that rose to her lips, saying simply the one thing she most needed to tell him.

“I’m sorry, Jay. I should have told you the truth.”

His reply shocked her.

“What difference would it have made, mom?” He said softly, feeling the approving squeeze of Kadie’s hand. “Really? You still wouldn’t have told him, would you?”

“No.” She whispered. “I never knew it at the time, but when I found out he was married…….. No, I never meant for him to find out. You were………..you were mine, Jay. You were all I had, and I wanted to keep you to myself. I know it was selfish, but…..”

Jay exhaled slowly, moving toward the bed, resting his free hand on the back of the chair as he looked at his mom.

“Should I leave you two alone?” Kadie asked hesitantly, but they both shook their heads instantly.

“Want you to stay.” Jay murmured, and Billie looked at Kadie.

“I’d like you to stay, too.” She said quietly, seeing the connection between the two young people like only a mother could. “You’re family, Kadie. You have as much right to hear this.”

Both Jay and Kadie looked startled by her words, and Billie had to smile.

“I’m drugged, not blind.” She told them. “And I’m happy for you both.”

Blushing, Kadie pulled free of Jay, crossing to the wall to grab another chair, bringing it to the bedside. They both sat down, facing Billie, who shifted slightly, wincing at the movement.

Slowly, her voice soft and low, Billie told them how she and Jon had met, glossing over the more lurid details of their time together. Hell, she wouldn’t want Jay telling her every detail of losing his innocence to Kadie, and she was damned sure he wouldn’t want to hear his mom talk of fucking out in the wilderness, or on the kitchen table, screaming like a banshee as she came repeatedly under the skilful loving of his father. Some things a son really didn’t need - or want - to hear from his mom.

She told them of her trepidation when Jay gleefully told her he’d secured a spot in the Philadelphia Soul tryouts, and her near panic when he called to say he’d been accepted. Even then, though, she was sure her secret was safe, until she was sitting by his bedside in the hospital and turned around to see Richie Sambora staring at her. How her final prayers of keeping the secret were crushed beyond hope of recovery when he called her by name.

“How did he know?” Jay interrupted, but it was a simple question, not any kind of accusation.

“Jon told him. He realised, the day you tried out for the team, who you were.” Billie gave a tiny smile. “You gave him a photo to sign, remember? He remembered the day it was taken. Then when you got hurt, I guess he blurted it out to Richie.”

Jay was restless, and with nothing close by to occupy his hands, he did the next best thing, getting to his feet to pace around the room. Okay, so he accepted his mom’s explanation, for now at least, but that still left the more current situation to be dealt with.

“The guy who…..hurt you…..” He said carefully, his hands thrust deep in the pockets of his jeans as he stared at the floor. “What are you going to do about him?”

“I………” Billie hesitated. There was something about Jay’s posture said he knew more than she realised, and she flushed with embarrassment as she realised, as her next of kin, Jay would have been given the whole story of her injuries and how they’d occurred. “I……….”

“Billie, it’s okay.” Kadie said gently, getting off her chair and moving closer, taking Billie’s hand as tears trickled down the woman’s face. “It’s not your fault, Billie.”

“But, I…….I le……let him……..” Whether it was the emotional turmoil of telling Jay about the past, or the effect of the pain drugs, Billie couldn’t hold herself together, the shakes starting at her hand but quickly making her shudder violently as images of the assault flashed back at her.

“Mom!” Jay started toward the bed, only to be stopped by Kadie’s glare.

“Jay, go.” She snapped.

“But…”

“Get out!” Kadie told him firmly. “Please, Jay. You don’t need to be here right now. Wait outside.” She turned her attention away from him. “S’okay, Billie. Shhhh.”

Shocked at seeing his mom - the strongest woman he knew - suddenly breaking down, losing control like that, was enough to make Jay obey the command in Kadie’s tone, and he left the room on unsteady legs, making it as far as the first chair outside before collapsing into it, his head in his hands.

“I…….I……..I let him……oh, God…….he……….he…..”

Billie’s voice faded into incoherent sobs, and Kadie did the only thing she could. She leaned over the bed, wrapping her arms around Billie, and let her cry.