Chapter 40

As Jon and Richie stared up in horror, wondering just how much of their conversation he’d heard, Jay shrugged suddenly, slightly embarrassed at how he’d just spoken to his boss.

“Sorry. It’s just…..” He sighed. “I said something similar and Kadie nearly took my head off. Guess it sank in.”

“Aw, Jesus, that’d be a first for a…….football player.” Richie ended lamely, unable to believe how close he’d been to saying ‘first for a Bongiovi’.

Jon kept his hands clenched as he looked up at his son. My son, dammit. My oldest son, and his mom is in an operating room somewhere, maybe dying, and……

“S’okay, Jay.” Was all he said, though, holding himself together. “Has something happened?”

“Huh? Oh, no. I just was heading to the bathroom and saw this fire door open. Didn’t mean to interrupt anything, though.”

“You didn’t.” Jon hauled himself to his feet, holding out a hand to pull Richie up, too. “Just needed a couple minutes alone, but Sambora fucked that up.”

“Fuck you.” Richie replied with a grin, and Jay was struck for the first time by the easy brotherhood between the two men. He knew they weren’t related, but this was the first he’d actually seen, up close, how close they were. They must be great dads, he thought suddenly.

The three of them stepped back into the hallway, tugging the door shut again, then Jon and Richie headed for the waiting room as Jay detoured to the bathroom, finally taking care of what he’d come out to do. He joined the others in the waiting room a few minutes later, his eyes suspiciously red but his face composed. That composure didn’t last long, though, as he’d barely sat down next to Kadie when the door opened and a weary Doctor Riviello walked into the room.

“Doc?” Jay was on his feet. He didn’t recognise the man, but the light blue scrubs and his general air of command said he was in charge.

“Mr Kelsall?” The doctor turned to Jay, who nodded, then Riviello looked at Jon and Richie, frowning slightly.

“They’re friends.” Jay said quickly, and Jon heaved a silent sigh of relief. Jay wasn’t going to kick them out of here. “Please, just tell me - tell us. My mom?”

“Why don’t we all sit down?” Riviello said, then held up a hand to forestall the inevitable assumption. “And, no, it’s not because I have bad news, Mr Kelsall.”

“Jay.”

“Okay. Jay. Let’s sit.”

Once they were all seated, Kadie gripping Jay’s hand tightly as he leaned forward, waiting intently for the doctor’s report.

“Your mom is up in the ICU right now, in recovery. She……..” He looked at Kadie, who nodded fractionally. “You know what happened to her.” He said, a flat statement of fact.

“Yes. Kadie told me. We all know what happened.” Jay clarified, just so the doctor wouldn’t feel he had to hide anything, with Jon and Richie sitting there.

Raising his eyebrows - clearly these two men were more than just friends of the family if they knew the whole story - the doctor nodded once.

“We’ve repaired the rectal tears, and stopped the bleeding. It’ll be a few days before we know if there’s any lasting damage, but for now she’s out of danger. Who found her?”

Richie raised a hand silently, earning himself a smile from Riviello.

“In which case she may very well owe you her life, Mr Sambora. Probably what saved her, more than anything, was being found so quickly. Another half hour, maybe less, and she’d have bled out.”

Jay gasped in shock, and Riviello flushed slightly, realising how callous the term must sound to a non-medical person.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. But your mom was bleeding very heavily, and Mr Sambora quite likely saved her from losing so much blood we couldn’t help her. As it was, her heart stopped a couple of times, but I don’t expect any complications from that. We just need to wait, now, for her to wake up.”

“But she will, right?” Jay asked hoarsely.

“Yes, she will.” Riviello replied firmly. “She’s a fighter, your mom.”

“Yeah, she is.” Jay whispered, his eyes filling with tears so he dropped his head self-consciously, feeling Kadie squeezing his hand almost painfully tight. Getting himself together again, he lifted his head. “Can I see her?”

“Of course. But only one person can be in the ICU with her, I’m afraid.”

Jay looked at Kadie, who smiled reassuringly.

“I’ll come up with you and just wait outside.”

“Uh, I don’t know if you wanna……….” Jay’s words trailed off as he looked enquiringly at Jon and Richie, and Jon raise a hand.

“I don’t have anywhere else to be right now, buddy. I’ll hang around until we get some news, if that’s okay?”

“Fine with me, boss.” Jay got to his feet, pulling Kadie with him toward the door, then he turned to look at Jon and Richie again. “Thanks. For caring.”

Before they could respond, he was out of the room, Riviello following close behind to take them up to the ICU. The door closed softly behind them, and Richie was lost in his own thoughts until he heard a pained gasp, turning to look at Jon.

His friend’s hands were clenched tightly together, his knuckles bright white as the force of his grip forced all blood away, and he gasped again, hunting for air as he hunched forward on the chair.

“Jon!” Richie snapped. Dammit, but it had been years since he’d seen Jon in the grip of a panic attack, and he’d hoped to never see it again. “Jonny, stop it!”

Jon couldn’t even hear him, though, lost in his own head, his eyes open but blind. Lost in the horror of this being his fault.

‘I did this to Billie. Me. With my goddamned selfishness. My fault.’

He was too deeply lost in his thoughts to be able to remember that it was Billie who’d insisted that he tell Dorothea first. Right now, all Jon could see was that he’d done this. Somehow, somewhere, this whole damned situation was his fault. It had to be. Who else could he blame? Not Billie. Not Jay. Just him.

Jon lurched forward as he struggled for breath. Struggled to breathe, though in reality he was breathing fine. It felt like he was breathing through a pillow, the air hot and thick and almost solid as he fought to draw it into his lungs. Gasping again, he vaguely felt two strong hands on his shoulders, but not a grasp to comfort. The hands were shaking him roughly, and the very roughness was enough to shake his brain loose of the panic, just a little.

“Jonny!” Richie almost yelled it, crouching in front of his friend as he shook him hard. “Don’t be so fucking selfish, Jon!” He snapped, hoping to anger him enough to bring him out of it.

And it worked.

“Selfish?” He whispered, blinking rapidly.

“Yeah. Selfish.” Richie felt a flood of relief as Jon relaxed slightly. “This isn’t about you, or your sudden attack of the guilties. You need to keep it together, bro. For everybody’s sake.”

Exhaling heavily, Jon painfully unknotted his hands, feeling the deep ache in them from the strength of his grip. Richie’s hands were still on his shoulders, but now they were supporting, not shaking, and he ran his hands through his hair, drawing a deep breath before looking at his friend.

“Thanks, Rich. It was just…..”

“I know. You were beating yourself up how it’s your fault.” Richie stood, wincing as his knees protested, falling gratefully back onto the couch. “You don’t have exclusivity on that feeling.”

Jay and Kadie had followed Doctor Riviello up to the specialised floor of the hospital, where dedicated nursing staff cared for the sickest of patients. Outside a private room, he paused. The blinds were drawn down on the window, the closed door bearing a small handwritten card with the name ‘Kelsall’ in the center.

“Now, there’s a lot of wires and machines and stuff in here.” The doctor warned. “And I won’t say it’s not as bad as it looks, because it pretty much is. As well as the………the injuries you know about, from the rape and assault, your mom has a lot of bruising to her body, and her left shoulder is badly swollen.”

“From what?”

“We think, from the injury, probably he held her down in an armlock. Back of her neck is bruised, too. Again, probably from being pinned down.”

“Motherfucker.” Jay muttered under his breath. “I swear, I get my hands on him…….”

“I know, baby.” Kadie whispered, rubbing his bicep gently. “But not now, okay. Right now she needs you here. Needs you strong.”

“Yeah.” He breathed. “I know.”

Squaring his shoulders resolutely, Jay nodded to the doctor, who gave a tiny nod of agreement, pushing the door open. Jay stepped past him, into the dimly lit room, his step faltering at the sight of the body under the white cover, the bulk of a cage over her to keep the cover from lying heavily on her damaged body. The room echoed with the soft beeps of machines. Machines to keep her alive or machines to make sure she was alive, he wasn’t quite sure.

“She can probably hear you, even under sedation like this.” Riviello’s voice from behind him. “Just sit with her. Talk to her. She needs to know she’s safe, Jay.”

Searching for strength, Jay walked to the bed, aware of the door closing behind him as Riviello left the room. There was a chair next to the bed, and he sank slowly into it, gazing at his unconscious mother, her face partly obscured by the tube lodged in her throat, giving her the oxygen she needed.

“Oh, mom.” He whispered, reaching to touch her hand. The only part of her he could touch without fear of hurting her more. “Mom, what has he done to you?”

He gazed at her face for another moment, then leaned forward to rest his forehead on her hand, his fingers still gripping hers. He felt like there had to be something. Something he could do. Something he should do. A long-ago memory surfaced slowly and reluctantly, a memory of his childhood, and his mother’s half-hearted attempt to instill some kind of faith in him. Which was kind of ironic, given that she’d always laughingly said that the only church she attended was Jonny’s Church of Rock and Roll. The memory of her laughter was more painful than he’d have ever imagined, and Jay squeezed his eyes shut in pain.

Long minutes later, the quiet of the room was broken, the sound of machines joined by the soft sound of his voice.

“Our father, who art in heaven………”