Chapter 17

As his car pulled to a halt outside Jay’s apartment building, Jon ran his hand nervously through his hair for the dozenth time in the last five minutes. He hesitated only a moment before telling his driver to just take off - he’d get a cab back home, since he’d no idea how long he’d be here. There was a flicker of surprise in the driver’s eyes at that - he’d assumed this would be just a fast ‘courtesy’ visit to the player’s mother, but he’d worked this job long enough to know better than to question the boss, so once Jon had climbed out of the backseat he just slipped the car into drive and headed for home.

Standing on the sidewalk, Jon drew a deep breath before heading on into the building, taking the stairs to the appropriate floor then walking along the hallway toward the apartment. The closer he got, the slower his pace seemed to become as the unaccustomed sensation of nervousness began to take hold of him. Despite his blustering threat at the hospital, Jon didn’t want to turn this into a fight, and he certainly didn’t want to drag his family - families, dammit - through the humiliating publicity of a court case to prove paternity. Far better if he could convince Billie of his sincerity on this. Convince her of his firm intention to become a part of his eldest son’s life, and also to stay friends with her, the mother of his firstborn child. Other than those two facts, he really wasn’t sure what else he wanted right now. Or how to convince her of either of those things.

At the apartment door, he scrubbed his hand through his hair yet again before knocking gently on the panel, standing back a little as he waited. God, he felt like a teenager again, knocking on the door to pick up his girl for their first date. After what felt like an hour, he heard the sound of footsteps inside, then the door opened wide and there stood Billie, slim, dark and cowgirl-wild as that evening they’d met.

“Hi.” She said with a tiny smile, nerves coursing through her.

“Hi, Billie.” Jon replied, smiling back at her, then she stepped aside.

“Come on in.” She was walking ahead of him, leaving him to close the door. “Can I get you anything? Coffee? Wine? Water?”

“What, no Macallan?” He joked, surprised he so easily remembered the name of her favorite whisky.

“Not here, no.” Billie laughed. “What can I say? My…..” She hesitated, but said it. “….sorry, our son isn’t much of a drinker.”

And there it was. In that simple, instant correction of her words, acknowledging Jay as ‘their’ son, Jon knew this would be okay. Knew that Billie was going to work with him on this, was going to allow him to take up his place as the father his son had never known. Swallowing back the choked feeling of relief, Jon grinned as he answered.

“Well, hell, just whatever you’re having then, Billie.”

“Coffee.” She glanced back at him with a smirk. “We can change to wine later, maybe, but I guess we need to stay clear-headed right now.”

“Yeah.” Jon murmured.

In the kitchen, she swiftly poured two mugs of coffee, checking that Jon still took his straight from the pot, wrinkling her nose when he said yes, he did.

“I still don’t know how you can drink it that way.” She muttered as she handed over the mug.

“Usually, I just pour it in my mouth and swallow.” He smart-assed back, and Billie rolled her eyes.

“Come through?”

Jon followed her into the sitting room, taking a seat on one of Jay’s leather couches as Billie curled onto the other, facing him across the low wooden coffee table.

“He’s got a nice place.” Jon observed, looking around the room, admiring the blend of city and country in the décor.

“He has.” Billie agreed, sipping coffee then laying the mug down on one of the leather mats that edged the table. “So……..”

“Yeah.” Jon fortified himself with a gulp of coffee. “First off, can I just apologise for coming on so strong at the hospital? I was shocked, I guess. I mean, I knew - or at least suspected - about Jay, but seeing you there……..kinda brought everything back I guess. Reminded me of some things I’ve tried very hard to forget.”

“Like me?” Billie said in a tiny voice, her heart twisting in pain, but Jon eased that fear immediately.

“Oh, hell, no! That’s not what I meant……I meant……” He blushed. Jesus, almost twenty years down the line and still it embarrassed him. “Well, you remember how I was…….my problem when we met?”

“Oh. That. That you were……..you couldn’t…….”

“Yeah. That’s what I meant. That, and the total prick I’d become that I almost ripped the band apart.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Billie smiled. “I wasn’t a fan before - kind of obvious I suppose - but afterward……when I found out who you were, I bought a couple of albums and, well…….I was hooked. Plus it let me hear your voice, and that helped with the pain.”

“Pain?” Somehow, Jon didn’t think she meant emotional pain, and Billie’s soft chuckle confirmed it.

“Yeah, pain. When I was in labor, when it was at it’s worst, I had them playing Blaze of Glory on a constant loop. Drove the nurses crazy but it helped.”

“I’m glad.” Jon grinned. “So Jay heard my voice soon as he was born, huh?” Suddenly realising what a possessive, primadonna prick that made him sound. “Sorry, I just meant…..”

“I know what you meant. And yes, he came into this world to the sound of his father’s voice.” Billie smiled. “And he’s been hearing it most of his life since, off and on.”

Jon grinned and finished his coffee. The time for small talk was over, though, and he needed to talk about more serious - more lasting - things.

“How are we going to do this?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” Billie said honestly. “I mean, you have more to lose than me, so how do you want to play it? You need to tell Dorothea first.”

“Yeah. She’s away, though. She’ll be back…..” Looking skyward, he tried to figure out how long she’d been gone. “….back next Thursday, I think. And I’m sure as hell not telling her this on the phone.”

“Uh, no. Not a good plan.” Billie smiled. “Maybe safer, what with the black belt and all, but not a good idea really.”

“Aw, hell, if she wants to kick my ass she can.” Jon said honestly. “I can only hope she’ll be as understanding as she always has been of all the shit I’ve put her through. Never been quite anything this……..big……before, though.”

He finished on a sigh, his eyes troubled, reminding Billie of when they’d first met, tearing at her heart all over again. To cover herself, she turned her gaze to the table, picking up her mug of coffee and staring into the dark liquid until she had herself under control again, then finally looking across to Jon again.

“So we need to wait until you have the chance to do that. Maybe next weekend?”

“That should work. I can give her a day or so to get back to normal before I hit her with this.”

“Then what? Do we both sit down with Jay, tell him the truth?”

“What does he think?” Jon asked, then realised that wasn’t exactly clear. “I mean, what have you told him about his father?”

“Really, I’ve let him believe that the guy I was engaged to - Craig - was his father. Seemed the easiest. I’ve never said it, in so many words, but just that I was engaged to be married and my fiancé was killed in a car wreck.”

“Sins of omission, not commission?” Jon teased lightly, and she reddened.

“Well, what else could I tell him? I wasn’t going to outright lie to him, Jon, but what was I supposed to say? Yeah, son, this rockstar stayed over for a few nights and he’s your daddy?”

“I was never a rockstar with you.” Jon said quietly, slightly hurt by her words, and Billie heard it in his tone.

“Sorry, Jon. I know. This is just really hard for me - the idea of admitting to my son that I’ve been lying to him all his life. Worse, it’s not even like he’s the result of some one-night stand with a guy whose name I can’t even remember. I knew who you were before he was born. I’ve known every day of his life. Every day he’s heard your voice, heard your songs, yet he never knew. Can you understand that? How hard it is?”

Jon looked at her in surprise. He hadn’t really thought about it from her side. Sure, she’d said she’d seen him on that long-ago Academy Awards broadcast, had discovered who he was before her - their - son was born, but he hadn’t considered how difficult it must have been for her, to be able to see him, albeit at a distance, to hear him, yet not be able to stand up and say he was the father of her child. Not even to that child. Well, she could have. She could have come out of the woodwork of his life with Jay in tow, disrupting his life and subjecting them all to the lurid gossip of the media. But she hadn’t. For almost twenty years she’d held their secret to herself, only her friend Carrie knowing the identity of Jay’s father. For almost twenty years Billie had been protecting him from his past, and he felt a sudden surge of tenderness toward her for that selflessness. It had to be said - she’d been in one hell of a strong bargaining position, to either come right out in public and demand he support the child, or to more or less blackmail him - pay up or I go public and wreck your cosy, happy little rockstar life. But she’d done neither. He relaxed back into the couch, grinning across at her, more relaxed than he’d felt since this whole thing started. Since the day he met his son, back at the Soul tryouts.

“Thank you.” He said sincerely, and Billie frowned.

“For what?”

“For………for protecting me for all this time, darlin’. I wish you hadn’t needed to, and I’m very very glad to have found Jay after all this time, but thank you for protecting me from myself. For the last nineteen-odd years, and even back at the hospital. Thanks, Billie.”

She blushed, ducking her head slightly in acceptance of his sincerity. “You’re welcome, Jon.”