Chapter 9

Jon stared at Billie a moment longer, then turned to the door, looking for all the world as though he intended to go make that call right now.

He’d only just pulled the door open, though, when Billie’s hand slammed against it, shutting it firmly, and it was her turn to lean against the panel, blocking his exit.

“Dammit, Jon, will you think about what you’re saying?” She pleaded, her back against the door, both hands raised in a ‘wait’ gesture.

“I know exactly what I’m saying. I’m saying he’s my son and I won’t shirk that responsibility.” Jon replied, reaching for the door handle, trying to pull the door open against her weight.

Billie leaned harder on the panel, fighting his pull, Jon discovering she still had that wiry strength he remembered so well, years of working with large animals teaching her how to use her weight - such as it was - to best advantage.

“Jon, listen to me!”

The tone of Billie’s voice finally got through to him. This wasn’t anger, or fear. It was something else. It was compassion, and that realisation made him stop, made him look at her properly, seeing the begging in her eyes. He exhaled harshly, but took his hand off the door, stepping back slightly.

“Okay - I’m listening.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants, waiting.

“Thank you.” Billie murmured, straightening up against the door, her dark eyes trying to convince him of her sincerity. “Now will you just think about what you’re saying, Jon? I mean really think about it. Get past this whole ‘my dick did that’ thing and actually think.”

“What d’you mean?” He asked, frowning.

“I mean you’re acting like a kid, Jon. Acting like the young man I met all those years ago. But what you’re not doing is acting like an adult. Like a very married adult with four beautiful children. Okay, five.” She corrected herself before he could, acknowledging in that one word his rightful place as Jay’s father.

“Yes, five.” Jon repeated, his own eyes taking on a pleading light. “And I want to be a part of his life, Billie. I know it’s late - and I’m not even sure why you kept him from me - but I want to be in my son’s life now that I know about him.”

“Shit. I know you do, Jon. Hell, even if I didn’t understand that when we were together for those few days, if I didn’t understand then that you take your……your responsibilities very seriously, I’ve been enough of a fan since then to see how you’ve been with your wife and kids, how you protect them and keep them out of the media as much as you can.” Billie sighed. “And that’s why I don’t think you’re thinking straight about this. You know how much this would hurt your wife, if she found out.”

Jon looked at her closely, seeing the truth there, and seeing something more, something that ripped at his heart. He finally understood why Billie had kept Jay from him for all this time. It wasn’t shame. It wasn’t embarrassment, or fear that he’d take her son - their son - from her. It was love. Love for him, and in a way love for his wife and family, that she’d walk through hell before she’d cause hurt to any one of them.

“Shit.” He whispered, running both hands into his hair and backing away slowly, resting his butt on the white porcelain of the wash basin, looking at her helplessly. “Shit!”

“Yeah.” Billie murmured, knowing he’d just figured out what she’d done - what she was still trying to do. Figured out she was trying to protect him from his youthful indiscretion.

“Isn’t life a bitch?” Jon said, a half-strength grin playing on his lips.

“You have no idea.” Billie smiled back, moving away from the door to flip down the toilet lid, perching on the edge as she looked at him.

They just looked at each other for the longest moment, then Jon let his head fall forward as he thought. Billie just waited, and after a few minutes Jon lifted his gaze to look at her once more, his grin crooked and just a little sad.

“Okay.” He said softly. “Okay. I still want to be a part of his life, Billie. I still want to acknowledge that he’s my son, but we’ll do it on your terms.”

“My terms were that you don’t make this public, that you don’t break your wife’s heart and make your children hate you.” She pointed out, but Jon shook his head.

“Billie, please. Don’t make this into a fight.” He wasn’t threatening. He wasn’t begging. It was a simple statement, and after scouring his face she nodded slowly, Jon smiling his thanks before he continued speaking. “Let’s take it one step at a time. Baby steps, right?”

“Baby steps are good.”

“Uh-huh.” Jon fought back the sudden tearing in his heart as he thought how he’d missed all of Jay’s baby steps. All his childhood. “Dorothea is over in Europe right now with Steph. Sorry, Steph’s my…..” He paused, shaking his head. “You said you’ve been a fan, so I’m guessing you know just who Steph is.”

“Uh, yeah.” Billie blushed. “I started listening to your music after I found out who you were. At first, it was just curiousity - to find out what the big deal was - but I fell in love with it. Of course, you ripped my heart out even then.”

“How?”

“With memories.” Billie smiled, explaining. “First record of yours I bought was Keep The Faith. Track seven.”

Jon thought about it, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what she meant. The record had been so long ago, he couldn’t honestly say which song was which track on the released version - they didn’t work them in any kind of order, and usually left a lot of the final track order to the trusted mind of Obie. He shook his head helplessly, and Billie smiled at his confused expression.

“Dry County.”

“Aw, shit. Of course.” The memory that came to him was as clear as if it had been yesterday. Sitting on Billie’s couch in just his jeans, her comment about the area being a dry county and his resultant explosion of inspiration. Writing the song, crafting the lyric and the melody while she watched and listened silently - that rare kind of woman who didn’t feel the need to talk constantly - then his fears over whether the song would ever be anything more than a few sheets of crumpled paper, of whether the band - his band - would ever exist again. “I thought of you, every day we worked on recording that song.”

“You did?” Her face brightened, the happiness quickly hidden as she tried to cover herself.

“Uh-huh.” Jon grinned, that soft-edged grin she remembered so well. Usually remembered from right after she’d blown him.

It wasn’t like she’d been any kind of nun since the days with Jon. Of course, for a year or so she’d been celibate - pregnancy kind of ruined any chance of male interest in a small town like hers - but she’d been in and out of a few relationships. One of the guys, when they parted their ways after a few years of living together, had accused her of still holding a torch for Jay’s father, and she hadn’t honestly been able to refute the allegation. She’d never had any illusions of getting back together with Jon - it had been a fling, nothing more and nothing less, and as soon as she’d found out he was a married man, well, that was the end of it, in Billie’s mind. She may be a lot of things - she may even be the cold, hard bitch that one guy had accused her of - but she wasn’t a homewrecker.

“I still remember finding you out at the lookout.” Billie smiled. “That night you were planning on becoming coyote food.”

Jon laughed. “Back then, I wasn’t planning much of anything, Billie. Hell, you know that. I could plan about as far as my next breath, and that was it.”

“But you got better.” She pointed out. “And - if I was any tiny part of helping with that, then I’m glad I found you.”

“I’m glad you found me, too. And you were a big part of helping me with that.” Jon assured her, then allowed himself to share another little secret, knowing they - like he and Richie - had enough secrets between them already. “I still dream about you, sometimes.” He offered.

“You do?” Billie knew he often invaded her dreams, but hadn’t imagined the phenomenon was shared.

“Yeah. I see you sometimes, on that riverbank. You remember that day? You’re standing in the sunlight, buck naked but for your…….”

“….cowboy hat.” She finished, smiling. “I remember.”

“And do you remember one of the last things I said to you? I thanked you for….”

“Vaguely.” Billie admitted, her memories of that day hazed with sadness, then her mouth fell open and she stared at him silently as Jon nodded.

“Yeah. You did put the boy back in cowboy, Billie. I guess that line always stuck in my head, and our ‘country record’ was the perfect place for it.”

“Oh, my God!” Billie said in shock. “I never……”

Her voice broke off as they became aware of other voices. Two of them, in the outer room, and looked at each other in near panic. Kind of hard to explain to anyone why the patient’s mother and his boss were closeted together in the bathroom. Moments later, though, their worry was allayed as there was a soft tap on the door, followed by an equally soft voice.

“Kidd? You in there?” Richie’s voice.

“Yeah, bro.” Jon replied quietly. “What’s up?”

“Can I….?” Richie didn’t bother to finish - or to wait - just pushing the door open and peering in, seeing them sitting in a far friendlier way than when he’d left them. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Jon said, looking over at his friend. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” Richie’s grin beamed out, and his eyes flickered from one to the other as he spoke. “There’s somebody out here wondering where his mom is.”

Billie didn’t say a word, just grinning and jumping to her feet. Jon stood, too, and he laid a gentle hand on Billie’s arm, halting her for just a moment.

“To be continued?” He said, letting her know he’d keep his mouth shut around Jay. For now.

Billie nodded her thanks. “To be continued. Thank you.”

Richie stepped aside, his eyes on Jon as Billie rushed past, going to her son. A quirk of the eyebrows was all the question he asked, and Jon nodded with a smile.

“We’re talking.” He shrugged. “We’ll work it out.”